Self-satisfaction is no satisfaction.

I realise, it's been too long since my last post. I didn't take myself seriously when I wrote about regretting my infrequent post.
So much has happened in the last too months, I have no words to describe all of it. Just got home from the preview of Much Ado About Nothing. (And to think my last post was about FSD a day before Singapore?!) God it's been such a long time.
After all this time, I've realised how much I actually do miss Falling Things. I would want to be part of the re-staging (time allowing) in a heartbeat. Also, lots of warm feelings hearing Joe say he's happy to see how I have developed from the beginning of season

Was just about to open my law book, when I remembered being so miserable, the last 2 years of highschool. I remember being confused, and feeling lots stupid. I also remember loving my class, yet feeling so lost in it. Being competetive and then giving up, failing. After all the hard work, I felt contented, and yet, still lost.

Things have yet changed since all that. You may say I'm no doctor but I'm glad I didnt take the short cut with going with what I know, simply being too afraid to try something new. I'm grateful for my new-found ability to take risks. Most of all, going through with the plan, even after all the odd looks, disapproving glances and clear misunderstandings.
Yeah, I do Humanities. Sue me.

With that, I shall now attempt to do some shameless promoting.


THEATRE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE closes Season 2011 with Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, opening from the 22nd-25th of September at Lot 10!
Tickets go for just RM13! HELLO PEOPLE. You do NOT want to miss the psycho-ness that is T4YP 2009-2011.

Sex, gossip, dance and gamelan. Shakespeare just got ASIAN. MAAN like you've never seen it before. We GUARANTEE.

I honestly cannot believe how fast time has flown, the relationships I have formed, and how much I have matured emotionally. I promised myself I'd make something of this year, and I have not dissapointed myself. Next year is an important year for me, and I don't know how I'm going to do everything that's in the works as of now, but I'm sure He has a plan.

Word of the day: Scared

In my ears,

Bjork: Joga

Fun and frolick.

Photos for Food, Sex and Death!

Singapore is (apparently) in less than 8 hours, which means I should probably be in bed now.

I'm up to do some last minute promoting, I think is imperative before our FIRST WEEK OF PRODUCTION STARTS. T-Minus 3 days before the first show in Singapore. The nerves should probably be getting the best of me by now, but it's not. Well we'll see about that.

Quite excited, and yet a little bit bothered about leaving everything over here. 5 days is what it is. Nevertheless, I hope to soak in more than just an ounce of fun and adventure, as Singapore will allow. Literally.

I'll miss you doggies, and dad.

And of course my bestie who is up telling me which of my 238472386482 bags looks the nicest :)

Food, Sex and Death opens in Singapore, this Thursday till Saturday (28th-30th of July) at the Arts House!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=136495343097120

And from the 4th-7th of August at Pentas 2 KLPac!

Get your tickets people!

http://www.klpac.org/?cat=3

Word of the day: Superstar

in my ears,

dexys midnight runners: come on eileen

Yellow Light.

There's something about weekdays I'll never understand.
The fact that I actually have time to post, and breathe, all at the same time is quite overwhelming.
As you can probably tell, all this have been a complete 360 turn from my days of R&R.
But, I wouldn't have traded those days for the world.

Its going to be a hell of a July, slowly seeping into August.
Room of Secrets @ Urbanscapes on the 16th of July
Food, Sex and Death in Singapore from the 26th-31st.
Food, Sex and Death from the 4th-7th of August @Pentas 2 KLPac.
World Youth Day, Spain from the 12th-24th of August.

*exhales*

No promises.

An absolutely free Saturday today.
A first since April 2011.
You don't really think of freedom, when its been suppressed for so long. I wouldn't call it suppression, necessarily, when I've actually been having a tremendous lot of fun all this while.
I think something will have to give in the next few months.

Frustrating how my need to sleep almost always overrules my want to study. I probably switched those around by purpose.
Just like how, at this very moment, I'm so vigorously churning out thoughts for my blogpost when I should really be vomiting out the Hart V Devlin case for a law essay that is lying untouched somewhere.
Priority isn't really my priority, as you can probably tell.

Frustrating, also, how the end of the day can turn out to be absolutely nothing akin to that of the start.
I try to embrace every emotion and hold on to it, for more than just a second. Digesting every bit of everything.
However hard I try to regurgitate it anywhere in my piece, it never comes across as true, to me at least.

Thats because, the authenticity comes from, well, you.

Word of the day: Misunderstanding

in my ears,

incubus: if not now, when?

Jack of all trades, but a master of fun.

TAKE A GUN AND SHOOT ME POINT BLANC. My last post was almost a month away?!
Preposterous.
I promised I wouldn't let myself leave my little bloggy all alone and under-nourished.
So I'm back :)
Pardon my irregularities, college has been tres hectic. Just the 2nd week into it, and I'm already finding myself tipping off balance.
As they say, high school never ends.

My class is, boisterous, to say the least.
Very, very amusing, nonetheless.
I foresee an interesting 1 and a 1/2 years ahead.

Word of the day: TIU!

in my ears,

incubus: promises, promises

A Hallmark Holiday and frauds alike.

There I was, frantically trying to post, between the hours of my driver's ed. Only to find, the lack of a compose button on my iDevice. Sigh.
I'll soon regret my irregular musings here, when I have no longer the time I have to spare, as I do now.

This week, looks like it's going to be a very challenging one ahead, not to mention the end of any holidays I might have till forever.
I'm glad I took this break, for I have succesfully disallowed myself to get complacent, these 6 months I was blessed with, to frolick and fool around as much as I like.

Without having to look too much into the future, tomorrow seems to hold the key to my much needed freedom. So to speak, a hurdle I haven't been able to cross for a while. Hopefully, I will make myself proud, however small and insignificant this little bridge I'm so waiting to cross over may seem.

If there is one thing I've learnt during my improv classes, is that thinking inhibits. I acquire a certain freedom in throwing caution to the wind (I probably shouldn't be so quick to dismiss caution on the road, but you know what I mean) and just jumping into the fire.

Lesson for this week: Learning to live in the moment. Embrace fear and you will conquer it, and not vice versa.

SS2 Durians with the gang on Monday, college shopping on Tuesday, rehearsal on Wednesday, Nitya Sumangali on Thursday, and Friday. Hmm. Theatre with Kelvin on Saturday, and hot-seating on Sunday. Then orientation on Monday.

Yep, this is me, throwing caution to the wind, jumping off the cliff, with no clue if my parachute actually functions, or otherwise.

Word of the day: Done

in my ears,

city and colour: the girl

P.S. If you've realised that the title has absolutely zilch to do with the rest of the post, forgive me. The blog fairy comes along and puts little title ideas in my head that are hard to shake off.

Possibly maybe?

So, this wasn't a carefully thought out post, just a spur of the moment thing.
Before I barely have the time to breathe, soon.

How my suckish Monday took a wonderful turn :) I love the new or rather, old additions to the T4YP '11 group. Food, Sex and Death is a sure fire blast, if I dare say so, so early into the rehearsal process. Just one read through and casting was confirmed. Gotto love yourself some spontaneity.

On to other matters. It might have occured to you that I don't take failing very well. Yeah, thats just me. Shock, humiliation and stupitidy all rolled into one. Some people wouldn't understand. You just have to know what it feels like, to know what it feels like.
But now, my twitter reads, whats done is done. Time to pack up and move on.

I suppose biomechanics class on Saturday will come in handy soon enough. I doubt we were hopping onto wooden boxes, backwards without a reason.
Trust. As well as not over-thinking. I hope I find out what it is, soon enough.

I think it'd be amusing to juxtapose what they'll teach us at college and at T4YP. I hear a lot of quiet chuckling by myself, in the near future.

Fingers crossed for first T4YP production opening outside the country, in just 2 months!

Thought of the day: Tickle Sex

in my ears,
sam tsui and kurt schneider: summer pop medley

I'm just a shot, then we can die.

June, in a blink of an eye.
Can't say I'm not happy the year is going buy fast. Can't say I'm thrilled either. Thats me, rocking back and forth in liminality.
Yep, a new word we learnt yesterday.
And then the lights went out.

Anyway, a good day out today was. Yes yes, I like me some Kung Fu Panda.
Noisy car rides and lots and lots of laughs. I've got a good couple of people to keep me company :)

Food, Sex and Death and driving test on Monday.
Both, potentially being the death of me.

Please June, don't rob any opportunities. Be kind and I will try my best to return the favour.

Thought of the day: Inner-peace

in my ears,

pirates of the caribbean theme: the piano guys

Post production nombre UNO.

Yep.
Post production.
Absolutely surreal. Its been a whirlwind 5 weeks, I'll tell you that.
If you watched the show, thank you for coming. It really means so much.

And to my darling friends, thank you so so much for the surprise. What an absolute amazing opening night I had. I hope T4YP returned the favour :)

I do remember being far more excited about blogging about the whole experience. That was probably just my rattled mind speaking before I realised my incompetency in actually forming the words in my head.
To put it simply, I haven't the words to rightly describe the mixed feelings brewing away inside me.
It's not been easy, it really hasn't.

What with the idea of college looming up waaay sooner than I expected. I can safely say, the future hold much too much for me.

In other news, a wonderful, wonderful day I had :)

Thought of the day: Tutti Frutti (and Auntie Anne's)

in my ears,

janet jackson: together again.

yes, that was the dinner date scene song -.-

SatCrash Phobia.

So its been a few days since I've revisited my humble cyber abode.
Opening night in 3 days. Sigh.
It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, these past few days.
A mess of timing, is the only thing thats holding me back, right about now.
Nonetheless, grateful am I, to the rest :)
It means bucketloads that you're there for me.

Bump in, on Tuesday.
This happy bunny has tomorrow off. No Monday blues for me.

This week, has been nothing short of an experience.
Online web dates, viber chats and a dose of nutty cast quality time.
I'm glad my resolution for 2011 is keeping to its terms.
FUNFUNFUN.

We'll see if I survive after bump out (and a delicious dinner) on Sunday.


Word of the day: BoLEH

in my ears,

frank sinatra: come fly with me

Dream a little dream.

Its only been about 6 days since my last post, and it's already May. PHEW. Has time gone by.
Lit Nite 2011. YOWW. I remember the drama from last year. I still think, no one had it as bad as we did. Although, many new things to adjust to this year. I loved how the lit nite and forensics seasons always mean meeting new people you usually know simply based on the exchanging of unknowing glances around school. I love how the seasons change all of that completely. Going to school during the season, which I generally would not have been part of for obvious reasons, made me feel a little sense of loss. Blessed am I for having the opportunity once again :)

New friends. Lovelovelove.

As with every lit nite, the show was absolutely amazing. Proud am I of my little grasshoppers. Sigh. The sense of contentment I feel is quite remarkable actually.
Now, on to my own preparations, for a superb (hopefully) performance.

A History of Falling Things, @Pentas 2, KLPac.
19th-22nd May.
Be there or be square :)

Word of the day: Alone

in my ears,

The Warblers: Somewhere Only We know

OST Glee.

Chemical contraption

For some reason, have been daydreaming about a new blog post for a few days now. Well. Hear I go.
Let me just start off by saying that it has INDEED been a long last few days. Especially today.
IB scholarship interview today. Great school and everything, but it starts to conjure up and unfamiliar longing for the familiarity of Assunta. Secret stake outs everywhere and such feeling of belonging makes me look back on the days of form 5, wandering down corridors with a sh*t load of homework to be done. Just thinking about it, gives me a headache, still. Sigh.

At least hardwork done in a friendly environment, grown into every vein of my being for a good, long 5 years doesn't seem so bad. Miss it a little, and yet a little bit now. As I say time and time again it really it so much better, looking in from the outside. We tend to agree with the same things we completely despised when we were the ones subjected to it in the old days. Going into a new environment with everyone else so caught up with their own routines, completely at ease with their own sense of familiarity.

I do have to admit, it makes me proud that at the mention of my school's name, double-takes are had and words like tradition, reputable and premier come to mind. Some sort of fuzzy feeling, ever so comforting in such unknown territory.

Anyway, busy busy day of blocking at rehearsal today.
Lineslineslineslineslines. Sigh.
I need a cue buddy :(
As for now, I guess I'll just be recording voice memos and saying my lines to myself.
Let bygones be bygones please? It wasn't my fault. I know better than to test your patience that way. It really is very embarassing, as if it dilutes whats left of my talent, that, as it is, pales in comparison to that of the others.
Stupid first mistakes. Noone ever listens to me.
Anyway, getting that out of the way makes me feel a little better. Closure. For stupid little things, for stupid little naive me. Let there be no more of these silly mistakes. Let it be forgotten.

On to better news, excited for first mainstage production. Bigger venue and many more cues to put to memory, in such a short time.
Bunkface in KLPac. Yes, me, abusing my new found freedom on the grounds of such a gorgeous place :) Lucky am I. Free concert entry and new friends to share it with (Y)

Off on Friday. Yes, to use or not. I realise how foolish I sound. Well, I feel pretty nauseated simply thinking about it. Excluding the fact that I have such great company. I hope.

Ridonkulous.

Thought of the day: 20-20 vision

in my ears,

los lonely boys: heaven

Dream, dream, dream, dream, dreaaam.

THIS JUST IN.
INCUBUS IN JULYYY!
And its happened to me again, (thats what happens when you swear to yourself you wouldn't let it)

The glass half-empty part of me just KNEW that something like this would happen, right after getting the news on Food, Sex and Death yesterday :/
Nonetheless, I am so happy for the opportunity I have been blessed with and would not trade it for anything in the world.
Wouldn't have anyone to go with anyway. Just like a couple of years back :(
I'd much rather let it pass in this happy way :)

On to other important matters, school was fun today. As I've mentioned prior, it's so much more fulfilling doing things from the outside, rather than within all the commotion.
Such satisfaction. Did I mention, fun? :)

Tons and tons of homework to be done (yes, homework), music to catch up on, and a hopelessly fickle mind to take control of.

And it all of that drama, hoping to make a visit to ELDS once more :)

Rain, rain go away. Don't bother coming back any other day.

What is it with today being everyones crappy day. This could just possibly be, the first one of the year, for me. Scratch that. *life, please don't prove me wrong, it's not a challenge* Anyway, was expecting to do much more exciting things today. Just that, expectation can bring the most disappointment. Stupid weather. Talk about bad timing. I realise something about believing that everything happens for a reason. The most difficult part of believing, is first, convincing one's self. Anyway, I've had a tough past week, gearing up for the season's first workshop performance (which went on, thankfully, without any glitches) I must say, the KLPac family really are such lovely people. A breath of fresh air from the likes of high-school. '11 T4YP buddies really are a joy to be around. Waiting for tomorrow, with bated breath. First mainstage production. It definitely looks more intimidating in print. Today was 100%, without a doubt, a bummer. When everyone's talking about it tomorrow, all I get to do is sit and wait for my turn : ( Lets hope the theatre Gods are on my side. IndicineLive popularity really can bring out the worst in you. Me, I mean. MEH. It looks fantastic, though. Running straight on till the 17th, KLPac. HI.LA.RI.OUS. Butterflies in my tummy, just in time for rehearsal tomorrow. Fabulous. Word of the day: Stuff

in my ears,

bjork: all is full of love

April, we'll March on.

It's April already! Can you believe it? I certainly can't. Everyone just keeps moving on, as time continues to accelerate. April has been so different for me in so many ways, compared to March, what with T4YP (Y) and all. It's just been 2 rehearsals and life is just that much more interesting. PHEW. Long weekend. 2pm-1o.30pm. Seriously. LOOOOOOONG weekend. Anyways, ICC was well. Nice, to say the least. So proud of all the little kiddies. Sigh. Haven't seen the BFF's for too long. Greatt. Probably, the next time we actually see each other would be Lit Nite. Praying I get my bad date : / Contemplating, going back to school to see how they're doing. Hmm. I don't know if Lit Nite practices have scarred me for life. MEH. Received a call from Vicky this morning, asking if I'd like to teach primary school English for 2 weeks. Hahahaha. Me. Rehearsals for Meet Me Here, which is this SUNDAY, and then Falling Things after, have left me no time :( Thus having to turn down, a plausibly INTERESTING experience. Sorry Vicky : / Off to Studio 7 at 7.30pm again today. Wondering if I should go out tomorrow. Feel like catching a movie. Then again, books down on Wednesday, noone for company anyway. Whats for lunch? Thought of the day: Put on a show

in my ears,

incubus: dig

Reap and sow.

I woke up this morning, with an epiphany.
Yep, one of those rare days my brain juice isn't all dried up till before coffee.
Back to my epiphany, delighted I was, and so could not resist tweeting it.
AHEM. Quite the tech-wiz now, I might add.


Today, I will find contentment in my little successes. Who knows when we might never see them again. Thank You. I am truly grateful.

I realise that I so publicly displayed my anxiety before results day, and never followed through, with a much less anxious post. I don't know what it is, but a small and thoroughly embarassed part of me, thinks it might be discontentment.
During the SPM last year, I had sat goals for myself, realistic goals, definitely not as sky-scraping high as my peers, but goals that would bring some degree of satisfaction. As the months went on, SPM was but simply, dust from the past but upon the creeping up of results-release, the ever prominent fear of failure kept close. Promised, I was to pursue any chosen field of choice, if I performed as expected. Oh, the nerves.

A slip received from a smiling face, welcomed in haste, by trembling hands and a heart pumping in overdrive. Whooping for joy, I now am embarassed, thinking I probably didn't deserve to be so happy, having scored below a perfect10.

I don't know what it is, why so many people are so unhappy with such amazing success. I presume, it is but human nature to be less than satisfied, no matter what the outcome.
Somehow, I don't feel that is very fair to those who have much less, but who am I to say. I also think, it is the perogative of the highest of achievers to feel that way.
Nonetheless, I am so very proud of all my friends, I share in all your joy and upsets :) Hearing screams of joy, from my classmates, walking into the gallery makes me smile. Shout out to Vicky Ngow :D A job so well done, I'm so proud. What a source of inspiration.

This post was mainly to rekindle some bit of pride in myself, for struggling through 2 tough years, in a field that was anything but MY piece of cake.
I set out to make you proud, and hearing you laugh with relief ensured that the sleepless nights, blood, sweat and tears, ultimately, paid off.

I'm afraid dissatisfaction sets in, as my humble achievement greatly pales in comparison to those of my peers, and I find myself thinking it ludicrous to be happy with what I have when the rest of the world enjoys so much more.
But, as I ponder little more, I remember something a friend once said, screw the world.

Word of the day: Gadget

in my ears,

rise against: swing life away

Feed the commotion, going through the motions.

Cracking my head, trying to purge some, ANY emotion before the big day.
Tomorrow.
Needless to say, noone needs any reminding.
I don't know what it is, but I don't seem to have any butterflies in my tummy. Yet. Unlike those days, back in school.
It's probably the lack of substantial human contact, keeping my head and heart intact.
Sigh. Till tomorrow, that is.

100% not in the mood to see ANYONE. Must be the jitters. I hope its the jitters.
Really don't know what to expect. I think I'll keep it that way.
How small are the minds of our generation, to think that our future should be determined by one tiny slip of paper.
I, quite unashamedly, feel the same way.

There are only 2 things I fear the most:
Regret, and dissapointment.

Well, its a new beginning. Be it rocky, or a smooth, yellow brick road.

Word of the day: Out

in my ears,

adele: someone like you

Step 1, 2, 3

I'd like to first and foremost apologize for the vast number of words that appear everytime curiosity urges you to click the link that then leads you to my blog. I hope it isn't a turn off.
I'd like to plead my case, first by saying that I have been facing great difficulty trying to locate my camera wire thingy (forgive my shameless use of lay-man jargon) which allows me to feed all new photos straight into my lappy.
MEH.

Pardon me, my lovely friends, who are still waiting waiting for photos from dinner, 2 months ago :D

To begin my post,
I remember my 2011 resolution, being about adventure and experience. I've had one heck of an experience today.
Yep. First bout of driving ever.
What an epic, epic day. Awkward moments and uneasy looks exchanged with Ruba :)
I understand why loads of people enjoy driving, and that would be the thrill of being in control.
That would certainly explain my rush of adrenaline. Definitely cannot wait for the next one, although, the thought of going solo, this time, is 100% unnerving.

A pretty busy weekend at that. WYD retreat on Saturday and Amali on Sunday.
Date with the altos tomorrow : )
I'm excited. Have missed too much of the music.
Actually, I find myself quite looking forward to the next few weeks, although there is MUCH to be nervous about.
Excitement, please don't waiver.

Thought of the day: Clutch, brake. No clutch, oil.

in my ears,

florence + the machine: dog days are over

Back to the future 2.0

Quite unlike today, yesterday was exceptionally productive. The sun was shining bright bright, and I would have been a fool not to take advantage of it. So brilliant me had a brain fart and decided to paint the outside of my house.
Brilliant.
On the downside, not a soul noticed the difference.
This is why, I'd much rather utilize my free time, shopping :)
Okay, just kidding. I think.

T4YP auditions. Daunting. Praying I won't chicken out. Which means I probably should call up and make an appointment, eliminating the possibility of me changing my mind.
Ameteur me, didn't realise how much preparation would be required. How Forensics pales in comparison with the real world.

Back to reality.
All that results hype.
Sigh. I wish everyone would just get over it. It's starting to get annoying.
Whatever happens, I know its just the beginning. Trying my best not to give a care in the world about what anyone else thinks of me. For once in my life, I'd like to think of my life, as just that. MINE.

Contemplating Taylors Open Day next Saturday.
Oh, the future beckons.

As for now, the only future I'm looking forward to is the grilled cucumber sandwich I'm having for lunch.

Thought of the day: Stupid G#

in my ears,

mirah: garden

Who in the world do I think I am?

Today, feels extremely. Odd.
The sun is shining and butterflies a-flutter. The window wide open so as to usher in a bright Monday. No reason to suffer from any sort of Monday blues, and yet, this feeling of un-rest, frustration and restlessness.
Sigh.
How human it is to make it our obligation to be constantly dissatisfied.

I can't tell if its the jitters or simply due to the fact that I haven't actually had SUBSTANTIAL human contact with the outside world for a few weeks now.

As everyone is probably hugely aware by the upcoming results release day, I start to think of how my plans to use the few months I lay idle at home, to plan my life's course has failed (?)
Failure. I am pretty bold to use such a descriptive, but to think of how fickle minded I have become and how these past few months have steered me into the directions of SO many other career oppurtunities and courses have left me completely DUMBFOUNDED.
Who knew the world was literally quite so vast.
Sometimes, I actually do wish I didn't have a choice but to have someone else steer me into SOME direction, leaving me with no choice but to adhere. My somewhat unconventional ideas in line with my future have taken a 180.

From music, to theatre to political science to, fairly recently, journalism.
Yes, I've had my fair share of awkward looks when asked my plans for whats to come.
And also my share of wide smiles and inspiring words :)
Oppurtunities, choices. My cuss words.

My life would be much easier if I wanted to be a doctor or something. Although, definitely more dry.

Word of the day: Regret?

in my ears,

bruno mars: the lazy song

story of my life.